“I found I was yelling at my children all the time, and sometimes even spanked them. Only when my older child began bedwetting did I realize it was time to rein in my anger,” says the 34-year-old management consultant, who turned to a parenting group for help. A couple of sessions there convinced her to meet a psychotherapist and now Swati has learned to identify her and deal with temper triggers.
With work-life stress taking a toll on couples, psychiatrists, counsellors and parent educators are now addressing issues of parental anger and teaching adults how to cope with rage. While a few seek help, others realize they have a problem only when their children show altered behaviour. “Often, children are brought to us as they are not studying, refusing to eat or have other behavioural issues,” says psychiatrist Dr N Rangarajan. But when you probe further, you realize there are other issues too, which can range from work stress to problems with in-laws, he adds.
Angry parents create angry children, believe experts. So, when parents approach them, they are often asked to look back at their childhood. “I ask people to recollect how their parents dealt with them when they misbehaved, and how anger was expressed in their families. If the father is violent, then there is a higher chance of the child being the same,” says psychologist Dr Mini Rao.
That’s why psychotherapist Ravi Samuel, who also specializes in anger management, feels it pays to take a step back and calm down when you face a trigger. “Anger is time-bound.What makes you angry won’t keep you angry for long,” he says, adding that it is important to understand the dynamics of anger. He recommends breathing or behavioural exercises, such as freezing (not saying or doing anything), isolating oneself or avoiding looking at people who stoke In situations that warrant parental intervention, anger shouldn’t be impulsive, but well thought-out, says Rao. “If your child irritates you, count up to 10 in your mind, and think before saying anything.In anger, you are illogical and abusive,” she says, adding it is important to avoid physical punishment.
In many cases, Samuel says, marital problems are also projected onto the children. “A lack of sexual intimacy between a couple often raises their frustration level. The emotional frustration of not being able to spend enough time with your family is another reason,” says Samuel, adding that smartphones have taken intimacy out of personal interactions. “That’s why I suggest gadget-free time for the family,” he says.
